butterfly, insects, nature

I Need a Shoulder…

Life is hard. Trying to live as a Christian is even harder.

When life throws you challenges what do you do? Or is it God that throws the challenges at you, watching you to see what you’ll do, hoping that you will learn from the challenge? I think it’s God. I know it’s God. There are too many things that happen that come with a reason. A purpose. We are meant to learn from what has happened. We are meant to take that lesson and use it to live our lives.

But right now, when I pray, I can’t feel anything. I read the Bible and am left with more questions than finding answers. I just don’t know what I am doing, I admit it God. I just don’t know. I don’t know how some Christian people seem to have it all together. They know exactly when God speaks to them and they have their answers all neatly laid out for them. Am I praying too hard? Am I not praying the right way? Am I asking for too much and You are tired of hearing my complaints? I need to thank you more?

The struggles I am going through are so hard. I try to stay strong and patient and have understanding. I am so tired. My strength has been used up. My patience is fading. How much longer must I wait? And with understanding comes love. This love is pushed to its limits. Maybe I love too much. When I love, I am all in. I will give and give up whatever is needed to love my grandchildren, children, and husband. I will sacrifice everything for them. Love is not just the words. It’s the actions behind the words. It is having an open ear to listen. To listen what is said behind the words. It is letting them know that you are there. Even though right now I want to run away. Because right now I feel like I am in that black hole. I am not sure anymore that I want to claw my way out of it.

Or watching those you love, follow destructive paths. If you had or have teenagers, you will understand. You stand by and try to tell them what they are doing is wrong. But then comes the real battle. They do not want to be told what to do. They are old enough and want their independence. They do not want to be told what to think. You hope against hope that nothing bad will happen. You turn to God to pray. I prayed so much. I did not always hear answers. And it is especially difficult when you are alone fighting a battle for your children. I had some friends and a Church I could turn to. I managed to live through it. But you feel as if it will never end.

Then coming out of a horrible, abusive marriage, I have a lot to ask forgiveness for. I thought and did a lot of things as I tried to run from my situation. I was looking for peace. A place I could find peace and safety in. I suppose I wasn’t a very good Christian because I should have found peace with God. I still can’t find that peace. I don’t know where it is. I know I need to find it but I don’t know where to go.

So how do you find the answers? How do you make peace for yourself? How do you find that peace with God so that you don’t live in constant hopelessness. I have tried to be patient but it feels like patience isn’t wanted because it just won’t change. It isn’t for me to decide. It is in God’s plans. But how much longer God?

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