Good Days/Bad Days

We have now been instructed to wear masks, at all times, outside. I really don’t think everyone will do that. I know I will when I go to grocery stores or the post office. At least, right now, those are the only places I am going and the barn.

I am still following a pretty normal routine. Going to the barn to groom and love on Gizmo is healing for me. She has such a personality and I can count on her to be a little unpredictable and stubborn. But she is such a loving, good mare. She means so much to me. When you look into their eyes, you can see their soul. If you think your bond with your dog or cat is strong. Imagine that bond being ten times stronger with a horse.

Then I come home and walk Buddy. Right now, for a short distance since he has managed to pull a muscle in his back leg again and he is limping. He’s an old feller with arthritis in his back legs. I give him Cosequin and Rimadyl. During normal times, we do have a lot of airplane traffic overhead. He loves to bark at those planes. I don’t know what he is thinking when he is barking at them. But he really feels proud when he is doing it. Right now there aren’t that many planes so he has taken to barking at everyone and anyone who walks by our backyard.

After seeing empty grocery shelves and wondering where this is all going, I started my garden. I know I planted early but all the plants were growing and it gave me something to take my mind off issues. My blueberry bushes from last year have wonderful blooms. I planted one more tree that already has blooms on it. The raspberries are doing nicely. I am trying to train them into a hedge. I have a grape vine. I have no idea how that will do but I will try. I planted cantaloupe, spaghetti squash, cucumbers, strawberries, tomatoes, peppers, peppermint and dill. With my new Ninja Foodi I will be able to dehydrate the peppermint and dill. I was told the peppermint would spread so I have planted that into a large pot. Whatever extras my garden produces, I will be sure to donate. But I can hardly wait for garden fresh fruits and vegetables.

Spring is the time for new growth. Renewal. I am waiting for the hummingbirds to return. According to the research I have done, they won’t be back until May but my cats and I will enjoy their return. I am able to look out my kitchen window and enjoy my backyard with all the growth and the birds. How I love watching birds.

I am in a particularly low spot today. There are triggers, I know that. Last night a trigger pulled me into depression. And try, as I might, I just can’t pull myself out of it right now especially with the environment I am in. I am trying not to be in that black hole but I am exhausted with the struggle. I am so tired. So disappointed. So utterly without hope. I know there are things that are not in my control. Fortunately, I have found a psychologist who I like. The psychiatrist is going to talk to me next week and work on adjusting my medication because what I am on now is just not working. Then combine that with the Exestamane that I am on. It’s a double whammy.

I am not afraid to talk about my mental health. It is real. It happens to more people than they want to admit. There is no shame in admitting it. There is no shame in trying to find help. Right now crying does not help because it is ignored and pushed to the side. There used to be some relief in crying, but not right now. There is just so much to cry about. It’s like the song’s lyrics that I am listening to – “I can’t live, if living is without you. I can’t live. I can’t give. I can’t give anymore.”

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